


Only human

by SANVERS_LOVER



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-09-06 10:17:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8746399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SANVERS_LOVER/pseuds/SANVERS_LOVER
Summary: TRIGGER WARNING! How does Alex deal with the backlash of always being second to her sister? The realisation of being gay? How does she deal with how Maggie rejected her? How does she deal the negative effects of life?. Thanks for reading. Bad summary but have a look :)





	1. Supergirls Broken Sister

Alex Danvers ran her fingers over the cold, hard basin slowly staring at the reflection that once portrayed herself. Her face was normal, beautiful even, but her eyes held a terrible, heartbreaking secret that only she knew. She brought her right hand over to her left wrist slowly, her eyes closing as she cursed at herself in a low whisper.

“Stupid, stupid girl..”. She bent down and opened the doors beneath the sink, searching for the tiny shiny piece of metal that brought her relief in one of the most complicated of ways. Peeling through the mixture of makeup and cleaning products she finally found what she was looking for hiding away in the back of the cupboard in a small zip-lock back.

Her shaving razor.

She slowly unclipped the bag, reaching into the bag and firmly grabbing hold of the handle before pulling it out of the bag. She grabbed the scissors from the bench and began cutting away at the razor until she had gained herself five tiny little metal blades.

It wasn’t the first, hell it wasn’t even the second time she had done this, but each time she still got that shiver when she picked up the silver blade, she pulled her black work slacks slowly before running her fingers over the tiny older cuts that she had made not even a week again.

She placed the blade against her thigh and quickly ripped it away, hissing at the immediate burn as crimson blood began to seep from the tiny wound she had inflicted on herself, she grinned sighing in relief before she did it again and again. There had to be at least 70 tiny and medium sized cuts over her thigh by the time she was done, she looked down for the first time and gasped, dropping the blade and grabbing a nearby wash cloth and holding it against her leg.

“Shit! Shit! Shit!” She cursed, sitting down on the bathtub as she held as much pressure to her leg as possible, hoping that the bleeding would stop before she had to leave for work.

After almost 15 minutes she slowly peeled the blood stained wash cloth from her cuts and placed it under the cold running water. She shoved the blades away into the back of the cupboard before grabbing out the small first aid kid and closing the doors, she put butterfly stitches over the deeper cuts before layering on enough band aids she thought would last for the day. She stood up grabbing her leg instantly at the pain that arose, hissing again as she released her leg.

“Damn it Alex, when are you going to learn!” She said to herself before pulling up her pants and getting ready to leave for work. She just prayed that she could make it through the day without anybody noticing..

 

**A/N: Okay, so this is the first fanfiction I have written in a while and the first I have written on this subject. I know this chapter is short but I'm working on making them longer. I hope you all liked it and will give me a review. Already on Fanfiction.net :)**


	2. Please Don't Say You Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Being broken isn't sitting on the couch crying and eating ice cream, its random break downs at work and fighting to stay alive..

~BACK STORY~ Alex had started cutting after trying to be the perfect daughter, that was two years before Kara had turned up. She had hidden it well from Kara, not wanting her to think this is what normal humans do since she had come from another planet, but that didn’t stop Kara was walking into the bathroom to find a crying bleeding Alex on the floor at just 15 years old, Alex was 17 years old by then and had tiny pale scars covering her thighs and a few hidden ones around the rest of her body from the years of slowly destroying herself, those were the ones she could pass off from accidents.

Seeing Alex so broken had caused a rift in young Kara for so long, she couldn’t do anything but think about how hurt her sister must have been. After that night she had made a regular effort to do body checks on Alex, to help her gain back her confidence and to stop cutting.

~PRESENT DAY~ Slowly Alex walked into the DEO, her head hung low as she carried her bag in. She walked straight through to the training rooms, she knew it was late but she needed to hit something, and she did. She furiously hit the punching dummy. She was so angry at herself for letting her get so weak again, but she wasn’t really angry at herself. No. She was angry at Maggie. For telling her to come out, to tell her sister who she was and then for Maggie to tell her they were “just friends” after she kissed her. She had felt so proud of herself to come out, just to feel low again. She punched the dummy harder, and harder until her knuckles began to bleed, at this point she could feel tears in her eyes but she couldn’t stop.  


She wanted to scream, to yell, to do anything but all she did was cry and hit the bag over and over, until somebody grabbed her from behind and held her arms down. The dummy was now sprinkled in tiny specks of blood all over from Alex’s hand and her thigh was burning from the sweat mixing over her earlier cuts. She tried wriggling free of whoever was holding her, she figured it would only be Kara who would of been game enough to grab her but when she looked down she didn’t see Kara’s arms, she seen Hanks. Immediately she stopped fighting and being too weak to stand she dropped, falling back into him and bursting into tears as he held her.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She cried softly holding onto his forearm as her hugged her from behind.

“It’s okay Alex, just breath, you’ll be fine.” Hank spoke in a deep but gentle voice, she had been like a daughter to him all the years they had worked together and he hated seeing anyone close to him hurt. She began to calm down after a few minutes, and embarrassment began to sink in. She had just sat and cried into her boss’s arms. She went to stand up but he must have read her mind because he was already standing and helping her up. He pulled her into another hug this time he brushed over her thigh cuts and she winced, grabbing her leg.

“Alex are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m fine, just sore.” She spoke softly, beginning to feel the pain on her knuckles and the burning in her leg.

“Why don’t you take the day off? Go home and rest, you look exhausted.”

Alex was going to fight him on it but when she raised her head tears came back into her eyes and she just nodded. “Okay, thank you.” She spoke quietly, quieter than she ever had before to him before slipping past him and heading back outside into the main hall. She looked up slightly to see Winn and James looking at her hand her puffy face and swollen hands, before she slipped out the door just in time to miss her sister but not for her sister to miss her.

“Where is she going?” Kara asked as she landed, standing in her signature Supergirl pose. Winn and James just shrugged awkwardly and turned around, trying to busy themselves so they didn’t have to talk about what they had seen through the security camera feeds. Kara turned around to look at J’onn, he had a worried look on his face as he approached Supergirl. “Alex has headed home. Why is something you’ll have to discuss with her.” And with that J’onn was gone, leaving a stunned Kara with a worrying feeling growing in the pit of her stomach as she flew off once again, going to change into Kara.

 

 


	3. I got you sis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Recap on 2x06.

Walking through the door she slammed it, hard. How could you do this Alex! Her mind was running a mile a minute, she could barely breath. I need a drink. She said to herself, already reaching for her unopened bottle of whisky, along with a glass. She sat back on the couch and poured herself a glass. Straight down it went, she poured herself another, and another, and another. You're worthless Alex, you are nothing. She repeated to herself. 

"Damn it!" She cried, slamming her glass down against the table, as she placed her head in her hands. 

Why isn't it working!? Usually it only takes her a few mouthfuls of hard whisky to numb the pain but it wasn’t working, not tonight. She knew she needed something stronger but after todays incident she knew she couldn’t risk it, so she poured herself another drink. 

As the sun set and the moon rose, the bottle began to empty, quicker and quicker. Her face was puffy and she was angry again, angry at Maggie for rejecting her, angry at J'onn for sending her home, and angry at herself....for being gay. She poured herself another drink and sat back, when all of a sudden there was a knock at the door. She let out a steady breath, lowing her hand as it went to bring her another sip of whisky. Go away. Please, just leave me alone to die. 

"Alex. Alex, I can see you in there let me in please." Alex heard her sister speak, she could sense the worry in her voice but she didn’t want to believe anyone cared. 

"Go away, Kara." Her voice unsteady as she speaks she looks around, trying her hardest to hold in the tears as she looks into the glass, seeing no future in it. She winces when she hears the swoosh of her sister flying, angry as she feels the cool breeze come through the window. 

"Whats going on?" She hears Kara say, feeling the walls slowly crumble down at the look of her concerned baby sister. 

"Nothing, nothings going on, you shouldn’t have come over here." Alex replies, using her wrist to swirl the glass as she watches Kara, bring the glass up to her lips again, but quickly lowering it as Kara speaks. 

"Well you didn't show up for work and that’s not like you so I got worried." 

Oh and you know what's like me do you? Funny you don't know that I cut myself every fucking day. Alex wants to say, but instead she places her glass down and stands. "You're right, I should-ah, I should go in." 

"Wait." I don’t have time to wait Kara. "Wait, something is CLEARLY wrong. " 

Alex pulls the back of her shirt down, trying her best to muster up some control. "Everything is fine." She says, pathetically as the tears return she turns away, walking behind the couch, needing some distance. 

"Is this about you coming out?" Her words burn, hitting a sore spot in Alex's heart. 

"No!" Alex turns, her hand coming up to stop Kara from speaking. "And just, forget I said anything about it okay? Just forget it." She wishes she could take her words back, that she could just feel okay and hide herself back in the closet, away from the pain of coming out. Because she could handle the hiding and the sleeping with men and lying to herself, if it meant that she could look strong, feel strong. 

"Why?" Kara asks, confused. "What does that mean?" 

And now she's yelling, yelling at the one person she loves because she is hurt, and she is broken. "It means that I made a mistake. I was wrong! And I shouldn’t have said anything I should've just kept my-" And her voice breaks, she lowers her head and starts passing, not wanting her sister to see her as weak. "My mouth shut." 

But Kara understands her, understands the way that Alex works, so she pushes and that's when she realizes. "What happened?" 

And Alex stops passing, and she huffs. Barely being able to, she looks over at Kara with broken, tearful eyes and begins to speak. "She doesn't like me-" And her voice breaks again, her hand comes up, as if trying to force herself to stop and to keep going at the same time. "-Like that." 

And Karas face says it all, it breaks for her and it throws Alex over the edge as her tears fall ever so slowly, she walks over to the couch where she is joined by Kara. Alex stares at her hands as Kara's hands brace her back, resting her chin upon her older sister's shoulder. "Come here." 

And Alex's walls begin to crash down, one by one at the touch of her sister. "I feel so-so hu-humilitated." She whispers, her voice cracking as she breaks her hand covering her face in shame. 

"No, no, I'm proud of you." Kara's words cause her to break harder, she pulls her sister close by the elbow, beginning to hyperventilate as she cries. 

Alex bowed her head as she cried, she whispered something so soft that Kara could barely hear it herself even with her super hearing. "I lied to you Kara... I never stopped.."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed it!   
> And I apologise that it took so long!!  
> I have holidays for two weeks so ill try and do a few more chapters!! :)
> 
> Reviews help me get motivated!! Good and bad welcome


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